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majid72 Mar 22nd, 2009 01:54 am

please check the text
 
Hello

Could someone check the sentence?

staffs of a bank were taken by surprise from their boss‘s recent action.
The story goes that having sold his shares/stocks; the boss distributed the revenue among his staffs. He earned 60 million dollars by selling his shares and distributed it among his present 399 employees and former 72 ones. In an interview with reporters, he recalled that he had always wished to appreciate his good and honest employees somehow and he got the chance by selling the shares.
A former employee of the bank said: I retired seven years ago and due to my financial problems, the sum of money made me feel very happy.

Thanks a lot.

susan53 Mar 22nd, 2009 12:21 pm

Re: please check the text
 
Here it is corrected - if there's anything that's not clear, ask.

The staff of a bank were taken by surprise by their boss‘s recent action.
The story goes* that having sold his sticks and shares, the boss distributed the revenue among his staff. He earned 60 million dollars by selling his shares and distributed the money among the current 399 employees and 72 former ones. In an interview with reporters, he said that he had always wished to show his appreciation of his good and honest employees in some way and he got the chance by selling the shares.
A former employee of the bank said, "I retired seven years ago and, as I had financial problems, the sum of money made me feel very happy".

- Notice that staff is a collective, plural noun. It doesn't need an s
- The story goes - this suggests that you're not guaranteeing it's true. Is this what you want to say?
- somehow was not grammatically incorrect, but it's informal, and "clashed" with wished which is formal

majid72 Mar 22nd, 2009 01:57 pm

Re: please check the text
 
Quote:

Quote susan53 (Post 20631)
Here it is corrected - if there's anything that's not clear, ask.

The staff of a bank were taken by surprise by their boss‘s recent action.
The story goes* that having sold his sticks and shares, the boss distributed the revenue among his staff. He earned 60 million dollars by selling his shares and distributed the money among the current 399 employees and 72 former ones. In an interview with reporters, he said that he had always wished to show his appreciation of his good and honest employees in some way and he got the chance by selling the shares.
A former employee of the bank said, "I retired seven years ago and, as I had financial problems, the sum of money made me feel very happy".

- Notice that staff is a collective, plural noun. It doesn't need an s
- The story goes - this suggests that you're not guaranteeing it's true. Is this what you want to say?
- somehow was not grammatically incorrect, but it's informal, and "clashed" with wished which is formal

Hello DEAR susan53 Thank you very much for your help.
What other sentence do you think fits properly for "the story goes that " ?

Regards.

susan53 Mar 23rd, 2009 01:48 am

Re: please check the text
 
Whoops sorry - I've just seen a typing mistake - it's stocks and shares not sticks and shares - though in the current economic climate maybe there's not much difference :)

Instead of "the story goes", I'd expand the information you give: The boss, who had shares in the company, decide to sell them and to distribute the revenue ... etc
You don't need an introductory phrase - English tends to go straight to the point.


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